IBJOpinion

LOPRESTI: I’m Lucas Oil Stadium, and I’d like your support

December 14, 2013
Back to TopCommentsE-mailPrintBookmark and Share

mike lopresti sportsMy fellow Hoosiers, Election Day is approaching and I am here to ask for your vote. My name is Lucas Oil Stadium, and I’m running for the office of best stadium in the NFL.

USA Today has a contest going to pick the finest pro football stadium in all the land. With the voting deadline Dec. 16, I’ve decided to take my case to the people. I open my heart, not to mention my roof, to you. I need a good turnout. You think I want to finish behind Soldier Field?

I thought about coming up with a catchy campaign slogan: “A Kinder and Gentler Stadium.” Or “I Like Luke.” But no.

Better to just state my case. I warm you in the Midwestern winter. Nobody has to go to a Colts game dressed like he’s a Sherpa working Mount Everest. You think you’re going to keep your gloves in your pocket at Lambeau Field? My only ice is in your soda cup.

I’ve tried to be good to the home team. Who thwarted the Manning invasion this year? Who slapped around the Seattle Seahawks?

But I can’t do it all. Don’t try to pin the Rams deal on me. I wasn’t returning kicks.

I’m not afraid to put my qualifications against the big spenders. Jerry’s World in Texas? Ask them if they’ve found those lost Super Bowl seats yet. MetLife Stadium in New Jersey? Let’s see how the Super Bowl customers like shivering in February, as they sit there trying to figure out if they’ve paid a thousand bucks to watch a football game or the Iditarod.

The Superdome is big, but so is a rhinoceros. Gillette Stadium can brag about all its championships, but if it’s that nice, how come Bill Belichick doesn’t smile more often under his hoodie?

Heinz Field in Pittsburgh? I’m going to lose to a place that has giant ketchup bottles on the scoreboard?

I have a Super Bowl championship banner, too. Maybe it was a hand-me-down from older brother, the late RCA Dome, but doesn’t it look good on me?

I also have tried to be a swell host for the Big Ten championship game. The Michigan State people had a good time, anyway. I was afraid to ask Urban Meyer how he liked me. After the Michigan and Ohio visitors slogged through winter storm Cleon to get here, I hope they appreciated my climate control. Best to keep the game here in the future, though I am always suspicious of that troublemaker Ford Field up at Detroit trying to steal it.

Unlike Congress, I get along with my colleagues, especially my neighbors. I am not jealous when everyone swoons over Hinkle Fieldhouse’s tradition. I just ask at which place they’d rather use the rest room.

It didn’t bother me that Bankers Life Fieldhouse got Barnum and Bailey’s elephants. Then the real circus came to town. LeBron James and the Miami Heat. Whenever Bankers Life gets full of itself, I just ask how many Final Fours it’s hosted.

I’m always glad to give directions to IUPUI’s Jungle, which is so hard to find, Tarzan would get lost. Just go to the swimming pool and turn left. 

I have so much to offer, even if the occasional rail collapses and my popcorn is salty enough to leave cardiologists aghast. I’m easy to find, since I’m as conspicuous as a 747 hangar in a soybean field. And in 10 minutes you can walk from my door to the statehouse, Monument Circle and a gazillion restaurants. They can probably see me from the international space station. You need a GPS to find FedEx Field.

My name might not have a lot of pizzazz, but at least it’s not strange. Arizona’s candidate is the University of Phoenix Stadium. The University of Phoenix doesn’t even have a football team.

But I know it’s an uphill battle. The media’s not on my side. That’s probably because watching a Colts game from the press box is like spending Sunday afternoon in the Goodyear blimp. 

Also, I don’t have a lot of really historic moments, except Super Bowl XLVI, and my team wasn’t even playing. If only I had an Ice Bowl.

But I’m campaigning to the last minute, promising dry seats and shirt sleeves for my playoff game next month. Plus one last pledge, if I can talk my team’s owner into it: Read my lips, no new tweets.•

__________

Lopresti is a lifelong resident of Richmond and a graduate of Ball State University. He was a columnist for USA Today and Gannett newspapers for 31 years; he covered 34 Final Fours, 30 Super Bowls, 32 World Series and 16 Olympics. His column appears weekly. He can be reached at mlopresti@ibj.com.

ADVERTISEMENT

  • first column
    I thought this was a pretty poor first effort...hopefully future columns will get better. Honestly, it read like something you might expect to see in a high school paper.
  • Great Debut Column
    Welcome! I enjoyed reading every word and look forward to more ! What a great article! I'm still laughing.
  • Great column
    Welcome to the IBJ! As a former journalist and someone who has covered high school, college, amateur and pro sports...ALWAYS GOOD to have a talented and knowledgeable columnist offering opinions on sports in our city and state. Just hoping that more of your readers understand that it's your job to offer opinions - good and bad -- and why that equates to the fact that you are a respected sports journalist.
  • Welcome to IBJ
    Mike, It is good to see you as the new IBJ sports guy.
  • Vote?
    I'm in! How can I vote?

Post a comment to this story

COMMENTS POLICY
We reserve the right to remove any post that we feel is obscene, profane, vulgar, racist, sexually explicit, abusive, or hateful.
 
You are legally responsible for what you post and your anonymity is not guaranteed.
 
Posts that insult, defame, threaten, harass or abuse other readers or people mentioned in IBJ editorial content are also subject to removal. Please respect the privacy of individuals and refrain from posting personal information.
 
No solicitations, spamming or advertisements are allowed. Readers may post links to other informational websites that are relevant to the topic at hand, but please do not link to objectionable material.
 
We may remove messages that are unrelated to the topic, encourage illegal activity, use all capital letters or are unreadable.
 

Messages that are flagged by readers as objectionable will be reviewed and may or may not be removed. Please do not flag a post simply because you disagree with it.

Sponsored by
ADVERTISEMENT

facebook - twitter on Facebook & Twitter

Follow on TwitterFollow IBJ on Facebook:
Follow on TwitterFollow IBJ's Tweets on these topics:
 
Subscribe to IBJ
  1. If I were a developer I would be looking at the Fountain Square and Fletcher Place neighborhoods instead of Broad Ripple. I would avoid the dysfunctional BRVA with all of their headaches. It's like deciding between a Blackberry or an iPhone 5s smartphone. BR is greatly in need of updates. It has become stale and outdated. Whereas Fountain Square, Fletcher Place and Mass Ave have become the "new" Broad Ripples. Every time I see people on the strip in BR on the weekend I want to ask them, "How is it you are not familiar with Fountain Square or Mass Ave? You have choices and you choose BR?" Long vacant storefronts like the old Scholar's Inn Bake House and ZA, both on prominent corners, hurt the village's image. Many business on the strip could use updated facades. Cigarette butt covered sidewalks and graffiti covered walls don't help either. The whole strip just looks like it needs to be power washed. I know there is more to the BRV than the 700-1100 blocks of Broad Ripple Ave, but that is what people see when they think of BR. It will always be a nice place live, but is quickly becoming a not-so-nice place to visit.

  2. I sure hope so and would gladly join a law suit against them. They flat out rob people and their little punk scam artist telephone losers actually enjoy it. I would love to run into one of them some day!!

  3. Biggest scam ever!! Took 307 out of my bank ac count. Never received a single call! They prey on new small business and flat out rob them! Do not sign up with these thieves. I filed a complaint with the ftc. I suggest doing the same ic they robbed you too.

  4. Woohoo! We're #200!!! Absolutely disgusting. Bring on the congestion. Indianapolis NEEDS it.

  5. So Westfield invested about $30M in developing Grand Park and attendance to date is good enough that local hotel can't meet the demand. Carmel invested $180M in the Palladium - which generates zero hotel demand for its casino acts. Which Mayor made the better decision?

ADVERTISEMENT