Who’s reading the paper?
Publishers ask that question. It helps to know your readership in order to plot the direction of the newspaper—to develop special-interest columns and sections—and to sell ads. Research is ongoing and expensive. But why waste money on surveys to determine subscriber profiles when that information is available on the Internet? Here it is, with my edits.
• The Wall Street Journal is read by people who run the country.
• The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country. (Gov. Pence reads the Washington Post, to determine the next thing he can run for.)
• The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.
• The Indianapolis Recorder is read by people who don’t want to run the country, but want to know why the guy who does is lambasted for doing such a good job.
• The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a poor job of it, thank you very much.
• The New York Daily News is read by people who aren’t sure who’s running the country and don’t really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
• The New York Post is read by people who don’t care who is running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
• Carmel people who read IBJ and the Indianapolis Star don’t really care who is running the country as long as they are not Democrats.
• The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren’t sure if there is a country or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose everything those leaders stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leader is disabled, minority, feminist or atheist who also happens to be an illegal alien from any other country or galaxy.
• USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don’t really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.
• IBJ is read by people who think they should run the city, if they can do it from their condos in Florida.
• The Indianapolis Star is read by people who don’t care who is running the city, but need the IU and Purdue basketball scores.
• The Indianapolis Recorder is read by people who don’t want to run the city, but want to know why those who do, do it so badly.
• The Indianapolis Star is read by Gov. Pence and Glenda Ritz to find out who is running the schools that day.
• The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.
• Nuvo is read by people who have recently caught a fish in White River and need something to wrap it in.
• The Indianapolis Star is read by people who love murder and mayhem but only have five minutes to enjoy it.
• IBJ is read by people who love murder and mayhem in the boardroom.
• The Indianapolis Recorder is read by people who love murder and mayhem, just not at Indiana Black Expo.
• The Indianapolis Star is read by people who are happy to be alive, but scan the obits just to make sure.
• Todd Rokita and the rest of the Indiana Tea Party delegation who voted to shut down our government read want ads or so they should.
• The Indianapolis Star is read by people who appreciate influential columnist Matt Tully but disagree with him anyway.
• IBJ, the Indianapolis Star, the Indianapolis Recorder and Nuvo are read by people who enjoy great newspapers.
Happy holidays to our friends at the Star, Recorder and Nuvo.•
Maurer is a shareholder in IBJ Corp., which owns Indianapolis Business Journal. His column appears every other week. To comment on this column, send e-mail to email@example.com.