It’s the season for bailouts—banks , businesses, capital improvement boards are all standing on street corners shaking
empty Burger King cups at passing taxpayers. There haven’t been this many bailouts since the Flying Elvi came to town.
With that to inspire us—and
keeping in mind Sen. Everett Dirksen’s attributed quote: "A billion here, a billion there, and pretty soon you’re talking
about real money"—let’s play New Quiz.
1. Michael Phelps was jerked from the Kellogg’s Corn Flakes box for:
A. Eating his Answer. B. Smoking his Wheaties.
C. Taking a hit from a bong in a photo that went to every computer in the world
in just under a minute. D. Doing the 100 meters in the bong water, dude.
2. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner announced a $2.5 trillion bank bailout
package, and Wall Street:
A. Plunged 4.6%. B. Took off for a "productivity conference" in the Bahamas. C. Fell into a
giant sinkhole. D. Changed its name to Timothy Geithner Avenue.
3. Among the plans to alleviate the city’s Capital Improvement Board’s $50
million budget shortfall were:
A. Cutting $6 million out of the budget, making it a much-more-manageable $44 million shortfall. B. Maybe possibly perhaps
approaching the sports franchises who receive CIB largesse and asking them if they might want to maybe possibly perhaps chip
in a little. C. Increasing taxes on downtown restaurant meals and hotel rooms, putting yet another crimp on the Lifestyles
of The Rich and Adulterous. D. Having a bake sale.
4. President Obama appeared in Elkhart and:
A. Kick-started the stimulus plan by picking up a new camper. B. Snubbed the governor by not inviting
him and then saying, "Neener neener neener." C. Became a Mennonite. D. Left as soon as possible.
5. Christopher Hitchens wounded Indiana’s historical
pride when he asserted that Abraham Lincoln never lived in a log cabin. Gov. Mitch Daniels responded
with a swift:
you, Columnist Boy. B. Did so, did so, did so. C. You wouldn’t know a log cabin if it hit you in the assertion. D.
Trip to the library to double-check the facts, then all of the above.
6. The state Senate passed property tax caps and:
A. Republicans wore the red ones, Democrats the blue. B. Set the limits
at 1 percent of assessed value for homes, 2 percent for rental properties, 3 percent for businesses,
and 4 percent for "people we just don’t like." C. Made Pat Bauer’s "hair" catch fire. D. Went home for
a nap, forgetting it had other work to do.
7. Gov. Daniels proposed eliminating the state’s contribution to PBS affiliate WFYI, causing:
A. Howls of protest from fans who feared it
would eliminate the Saturday night Lawrence Welk reruns. B. Cheers of delight from fans who hoped it
would eliminate the Saturday night Lawrence Welk reruns. C. The observation from President and General
Manager Lloyd Wright that the loss would require "far more than belt-tightening. We’re trying to maintain our clothes."
D. Nightmares for those who associated the "trying to maintain our clothes" remark in Answer
C with the people in Answer A.
8. Jets QB Brett Favre retired again. All over America football fans:
A. Snickered. B. Took the under on whether he would be back in two years. C. Were unaware he’d
come back in the first place. D. Began debating as to whether he really meant it. This time.
9. The House Public Policy committee passed
a recommendation that:
A. Pizza is more fun than hamburgers for lunch. B. People should put on sweaters when it’s chilly. C. Casinos and bars be
exempt from the workplace smoking ban, allowing Hoosiers to go broke, get drunk, and contract cancer in one convenient location.
D. From now on, anything the Legislature does should take place when nobody’s looking.
10. Si Burgher of Bloomfield made the news when he donated something to charity. What did he donate?
1. C. The big dope.
2. A. And all
over America, you could hear the whimper of the wounded 401(k).
3. A, B, C, and, who knows? Maybe D.
4. B. Oh, grow up,
5. D. You don’t mess with our Home boy Abe, Or his crib.
6. B. (Except for the 4 percent one —we made that up). And probably
7. C. Adios, "Across Indiana."
8. All of the above.
C. Although they did say that 20 percent of all casino areas should be set aside for nonsmokers. Oh, yeah,
10. His eyebrows, which never had been trimmed and were said to be more than 3 inches long, beating
the old record held by Andy Rooney of CBS. People paid a total of $1,600 to trim the brows.