Angie Stocklin: Team members—like kids—need connection and independence

Earlier this year, I was listening to a book by Eli Harwood titled “Raising Securely Attached Kids: Using Connection-Focused Parenting to Create Confidence, Empathy, and Resilience,” and I often found myself comparing her parenting advice to characteristics I see in great business leaders.

Harwood favors connection and emotional attunement, rather than discipline and control, as the foundation of parenting, which allows parents to guide children through childhood and beyond. I view this approach as the opposite of the popular “Because I said so” parenting of earlier decades.

I am not suggesting you treat your team members like your children or that you strive to create the same type of attachments you have with your children. But strong leadership has similar threads across roles and functions. If you are interested in creating secure attachments with your children, I recommend you read through Harwood’s book on your own. Here are a few of her ideas from the book, reimagined in a business light.

Creating connection

When you think back to some of your favorite leaders throughout your life, what are some common characteristics that stand out?

My memorable leaders, and the ones who had the most influence on me, are the ones with whom I had a personal connection. Leaders who cared about me were able to provide direction and guidance that felt genuine, and I took their suggestions for improvement more seriously. This type of leadership takes time and effort but can lead to more transparent, more frequent and easier communication between you and your team.

I have vivid memories of a high school coach who frequently yelled at and berated me for everything from being late to being quiet on the team. As an adult looking back, I can see the validity in the concerns that were raised. As a teenager, I was not motivated to change my behavior as a result of the criticism, because the person doing the yelling didn’t take time to understand my situation or get to know me.

Making time, letting go

Creating a connection with a team member is the first step, but leaders who never make time for their team won’t be able to capitalize on those connections.

We often spend the first part of our careers polishing our resumes, climbing the corporate ladder and figuring out how to showcase our individual talents. But when you become a founder or get promoted into a leadership role, there are people on your team who depend on you for guidance and direction. Running full speed with your other obligations and failing to make time for even simple one-on-ones can make your team feel neglected, and it voids any hard work you put into building your connections. It is almost like planting a garden, then leaving it to water and weed itself.

As a leader, especially as a C-suite leader or founder, you must find a balance between taking charge and letting go. As your company grows, it is impossible to have every good idea, make every decision or be in every meeting. Failing to train your team to take on responsibility can choke your company growth, as you create a bottleneck where all decisions and tasks get stuck waiting for your time. Overruling decisions or micromanaging every task can destroy your team’s spirit. Strong connections with your team lead to two-way trust so you can start allowing your team to make decisions on their own.

Explaining the ‘why’

It is often easier and faster to just do the thing yourself rather than taking the time to train your team to do it. I’ve been there myself, and I talk to other leaders about it often. However, it is possible to create a structure within the organization that has strong boundaries and gives your team autonomy.

Create a culture where mistakes are viewed as learning opportunities and team members are judged on reaching their goals instead of tackling a list of tasks. Explain the why behind decisions so your team understands and can start applying the same logic on their own.

Share as much information about the company as possible so your team is always working from the most up-to-date information. Work on a meeting rhythm to ensure you have time with teams and individual team members to foster connection and work through problems in real time.

In an era of visible leaders who use volume and power to demand obedience and expect total control, it is important to remember there are effective leadership tactics (for parenting or business) that value everyone on the team and foster an environment of curiosity and learning. Ideas and decisions don’t have to start and stop at the top. It’s our job as leaders to teach the next generation everything from how to identify and solve problems to how to treat one another with respect.•

__________

Stocklin is an angel investor and exited founder who currently teaches entrepreneurship at Purdue University.