Articles

FUNNY BUSINESS: Biz buzz like “at the end of the day” puts me at the end of my rope

As part of my ongoing search for things to make fun of, I’ve spent the last few years collecting Business Buzzwords-Biz Buzz, if you will. I now know why they’re called buzzwords: Because if you read or hear more than two or three in a single sen tence, you feel a buzzing sensation in the back of your skull. Followed shortly thereafter by a full-blown migraine. That is precisely what happened to me after receiving an e-mail in which two…

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FUNNY BUSINESS: A sensible airline’s rules to fly the friendly skies

We’re heading into the Summer Travel Season, and travel this year likely will be even more ridiculous than usual. Gasoline will be more expensive, traffic will be heavier, roads will be messier. Tempers will flare and danger will lurk at every intersection. And that’s just driving across town to pick up those spare suitcases from Mom. In this country, we are given two choices for summer travel, driving or flying. The train is kind of a non-starter, which is a…

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FUNNY BUSINESS: New plate options better than the ‘Wander’ years

The state of Indiana (For Sale Or Lease: Ask Mitch About A Privatization Plan To Suit You And Your Budget) came up with four proposed designs for license plates, and you know, they didn’t look half bad. In fact, all four were fairly attractive. Which, of course, leaves us to ask, “How did that happen?” Let’s face it: This state hasn’t had a greatlooking license plate since … well, ever. From the minimalist plates of my youth, blue and maroon…

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FUNNY BUSINESS: Indiana’s rural counties fall short of ‘progressive’

I notice that my home county, LaGrange, did not make Progressive Farmer magazine’s 2007 list of Top 10 Rural Counties in America. Then again, “progressive” is not a word that leaps to mind for a county that is about 40-percent Amish. Actually, none of Indiana’s 92 counties made the Top 10. According to the magazine, the best rural places to live in America are (in reverse order): 10. Polk County, N.C.; 9. Amador County, Calif.; 8. Garfield County, Okla.; 7….

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FUNNY BUSINESS: Forget Elvis on velvet; Art Bullies have other plans

I’ve seen the picture of the proposed ginormous art installation for downtown, and I think I speak for many of us when I say … Well, come to think of it, I better not say that, seeing as how many of us do not use that kind of language. In case you missed it, here’s the deal: There’s a movement afoot to erect a large, circular, steel, Dairy Queen curlicue over at 11th and West streets-a $10 million large, circular,…

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FUNNY BUSINESS: Holiday favorites-and not-so-favorites-liven up work

On the first day of Christmas, the workplace brought to me: One allegedly funny memo written in the style of Clement Clarke Moore: “‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through Accounts Receivable, not a creature was stirring, isn’t that unbelievable?” It goes on like this for 27 stanzas, representing at least four hours of someone’s workweek. On the second day of Christmas, the workplace brought to me: Two half-gallon cartons of eggnog for the kitchenette refrigerator, where they will…

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FUNNY BUSINESS: Being your own boss doesn’t save you from idiots

I work at home. Well, I call it work, but really it’s just sitting around making fun of things. Which is the same “job” description I used when I “worked” (boy, this is going to date me) at what used to be known as The Daily Newspaper. Nowadays, it’s The Manually Delivered User Operated Lifestyle Enhancement Information Platform. Anyway, the good thing about doing whatever I do at home is that I’m free from the tyrannies of the workplace-meetings, idiot…

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FUNNY BUSINESS: Planetary restructuring hits Pluto where it hurts

Poor Pluto. One day it was spinning through the galaxy, meandering around the sun at a stately 248.54 Earth years per lap, rotating in the wrong direction as compared to the other planets, minding its own business, and then-Bam! It got downsized, reclassified as a planetelle or planetina or planette, whatever they’ve decided to call it. Reminds me of some businesses I know. One day everything’s A-OK, to use space parlance. Next thing you know, Pluto is putting all the…

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FUNNY BUSINESS: Land sakes! State Fair celebrates farms of all sizes

I take a back seat to no one in my love of the Indiana State Fair. I haven’t missed one in about 35 years-including those years when the fair seemed outmoded, doomed to go the way of the Model T and the icebox. I was there when it struggled through the Injun Andy mascot debacle, the concerts with attendance numbering in the dozens, and the shocking revelation that elephant ears did not come from actual elephants. And so I have…

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FUNNY BUSINESS: Customer service may be modern-day fairytale

Gather ’round, kids. Let me tell you a little story about how things work nowadays. Or maybe how they don’t. Once upon a time, there was a customer named Mike. He had two accounts with a credit card company known as-well, let’s just say it’s the card you don’t want to leave home without, according to the TV commercials. Mike had recently closed one of the accounts, with a balance due of about $100. However, he left the other account…

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FUNNY BUSINESS: Do you fake it? You’re not alone in the excuse biz

Being self-employed -a term I prefer to “being a guy who sits around the house in sloppy clothes, unshaven, making fun of things”-I worry that I might have trouble adjusting, were I to go back to an office job. Would I fit in? Would I be able to get along with people? And most important, would I be able to come up with convincing excuses when I am scamming a day off by calling in sick on a lovely day…

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FUNNY BUSINESS: ‘Restart Your Engines’-we have refrigerator magnets

I’m not sensing a lot of enthusiasm for the state’s new tourism slogan, “Restart Your Engines.” Wait. What am I saying? What I sense is some outright hostility because the state paid $85,000 for this clunker, then was so tone deaf as to unveil it right after the income tax deadline, setting off a wave of “Your tax dollars at work” jokes in newspapers, blogs and coffee shops. So here we are in May, at the start of another tourist…

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FUNNY BUSINESS: Spare me from the dreaded brown-bag lunch

All right, boys and girls, what are we to make of the survey that says worker morale in America is tanking? Harris Interactive conducted the survey for staffing agency Randstad and came up with figures showing only 40 percent of employees said morale at their workplace was good or excellent, down from 44 percent a year ago. This, of course, raises the question: How did it get so high to begin with? I see little good coming from this survey….

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